15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
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That was easy.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
this is the greatest thing ever
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.