Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
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I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away