Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
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I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
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I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
the three branches of government
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.