I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
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The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
i will not be silenced
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.