Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
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hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?