me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
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[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.