Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
You Might Also Like
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*