“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
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Proctology is located in A55
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
A couple who are silly together stay together.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭