ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
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[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Worth remembering.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
My dad is at it again
Netflix and awkward silence?