Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
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Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Cat.
😬
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Looking at you, Jesus.
“Huge”.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)