I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
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I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Where’s my employee discount too?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Erm I’m gonna say no
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.