My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
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I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I gave up going to work for lent.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.