On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
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Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…