That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
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Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.