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recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.