First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
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Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Genius idea!!
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that