The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
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[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.