WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
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911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.