Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
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Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon