I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
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Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.