I want what they have
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My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
*pronounces fake like saké*
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.