[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
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Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.