the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.