Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
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i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
S O O N
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.