1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
You Might Also Like
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.