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Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.