[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
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WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*