Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
You Might Also Like
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.