If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
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Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,