(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
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WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
lol
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
The days of good grammer has went
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant