There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
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….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.