Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
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my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..