All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
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In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.