HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
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I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Stop sending me this shit.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.