I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
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If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
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Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
how long have you had this for?
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.