I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
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ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches