I’m a carb girl, born and bread
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“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
how much for the angry fruit?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
@funTweeters I am at your service….
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.