After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Owl Sanctuary
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.