Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
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I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I already tried new things thanks.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
i meant to share this earlier
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.