I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
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Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
why no one uses midhusbands
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.