Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
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My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I’ve had relationships like this
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Rambo Rambow