As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
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Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
finally
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Match dot com, but for socks.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*