WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
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My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?