I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
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The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
The three genders
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I get distracted pretty eas
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage