Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
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If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Sticker placement is key.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know