I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
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Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.