The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
You Might Also Like
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.