Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
You Might Also Like
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume