First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
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You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.