i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Twitter is an abusement park.
me opening up to someone
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???